DAPS 2009

The Joy of Sex via the Korma Sutra

My pal Michael said his Da’ had a book containing the secrets to all the world’s mysteries. I’d been told previously that such a book was called the Bible, but my intel had been wrong. We were told the book was actually called the Korma Sutra. The mysteries to be solved were ones of a sexual nature, promising to answer the questions we couldn’t comprehend: like where to put it?

As more intel arrived by the day, courtesy of my pal’s nosey bugger nature, the book became an obsession. Tales of tasty Indian burds getting it all ways was too much to bear. We’d have to get our hands on it. But unfortunately for us, Michael’s Da seemed to treat it like it was the Bible, especially after his wife left him. Seems he was a bit lonely, which to be honest, was more information than I needed to know.

But as luck would have it, I’d overheard my Maw inviting round a few of her pals to sample some korma. We were in business. I planned to bring the boys to the house before my Maw’s pals came, and we’d have a heavy swatch at the Indian porn. Of course, the ethical implications of my Maw – and her pals – sitting reading Indian porn didn’t really register in my noggin, which was just as well. And when I found out that this was actually a weekly ritual with them; well, I kicked myself for having missed out on quality porn for so long.
Saturday night came and we – being me and the boys – were searching my house frantically for the elusive Korma, but no joy.

As the night wore on, and the women wore out, we grabbed our baws and asked outright, ‘Whur’s the Korma Sutra?’ When I say we grabbed our baws, really we waited ‘til most of the old burds had congregated in the kitchen, and all that was left was drunken Marie. She’d had a few too many Black Russians and was more than likely to dish out the info we needed.

‘It’s no’ the Korma Sutra, ya eejits,’ she explained. ‘It’s the Karma Sutra.’ This revelation rocked us to the core.

‘Ya stupid bastard,’ I said to Michael. ‘Ye’ve hud us chasin’ the wrang book.’

‘Ah wanted some lessons in cunt-eatin’, no’ curry-makin’,’ offered Garry.

Marie offered tae tell us more about the elusive book. Problem was, she came from Aberdeen an’ spoke in a thick Scots accent. We didn’t have a clue what she was saying. The only time I understood her was when she put her hand on my knee and said, ‘Bit ye know pet, a book kin only teach ye so much. An aulder wuman cud teach ye much mer.’ At that point, I knew it was time for me and the boys to make a hasty exit.

‘Ma Maw’s told me aboot talkin’ tae you when ye’r drunk,’ ah said.

‘Ya cheeky wee devil.’

‘Anywae, cheers fer the tits. Ah mean, tips,’ I stuttered with sex on the brain.

So, now that the Korma Sutra had become the Karma Sutra, I had to find out more and this time I wasn’t leaving it to Michael. Seemingly, karma was a whole new box of tricks, full of different ideas and philosophies. One being reincarnation, where after you die your soul returns to Earth in a new body. This seemed quite appropriate considering the transformation from Korma to Karma. And the whole thing about entering a new body every time sat well with the porno aspect of penetrating different burds.

Another thing that had changed was the porn actors involved. We had thought it was tasty Indian burds getting pumped, but actually, we heard that karma was about Yin and Yang, who we presumed to be Chinese porn stars. Well, I was secretly chuffed, as I always had a soft spot for lassies of the Chinese persuasion.

The more I found out, the more I was getting intrigued with this concept of karma. I found out that with karma, if you did good things, good things happened to you, and vice versa. Like a ‘what goes around, comes around’ scenario. My Maw was always telling me that, but at the time I didn’t know she was referring to a porno book.

But soon I was getting bored with finding out the history of karma, and just wanted to see a nice pair of tits.

Of course, back in those days there was no such thing as Amazon or Abebooks. You had to go searching for a book physically, and seeing as we didn’t have much money between us, we decided to venture into the library.

Behind the counter was an auld burd who looked aulder than the dusty books that sat on the shelf. Me, Garry and Michael nearly had a punch-up deciding on who would ask her if she had the Karma Sutra. You see, we all wanted to do it, as it would be a laugh. In the end, Garry was the most persuasive and walked over to her.

‘Yes, may I help you?’ she said in a posh west end accent.

‘Yes, you may help me,’ mimicked Garry in a condescending tone. It was not unnoticed by the auld yin. ‘Ah’m lookin’ fer a book. The Kerma Sutra.’

‘I’m sorry, the what?’

‘Christ’s sake,’ muttered Garry. ‘The KERMA Sutra.’

She looked at him befuddled.

‘She disnae understaun yer accent,’ I said. I looked at the woman. ‘Haw, missus, he means the Karma Sutra. Ye know, the book aboot Yin an’ Yang an’ aw that erotica.’

‘I think you’re very mixed up, boys,’ she said. ‘Yin and Yang is a symbolism of earth and heaven, darkness and light, originating in Chinese philosophy.’

‘That’s what ah said…’ said Garry before being interrupted by the now chatty librarian.

‘Karma is a totally different concept from a completely different country. I mean, you wouldn’t say China and India are the same, would you?’ she said in complete incredulity.

‘Ah widnae say you an’ me are the same either an’ yet we come frae the same toon!’ said Garry.

‘I’m sorry, I just cannot understand you.’

‘Ma point exactly.’

‘Anyway,’ she continued, ‘karma is a concept of cyclical cause and affect, known as samsara.’

An expression of shock overcame Garry’s face. He whispered to me, ‘Leon ah know a wee burd who works in the Indian takeaway. Ah’m pretty sure her name is Samsara.’

‘Aye, ah bet thur aw intae it. That’s how thurs billions ay them, int’it?’

The librarian was still talking, seemingly unaware of us ignoring her. After a while she came to her conclusion.

‘Point is, boys, the book which I assume you are looking for is actually known as The Kama Sutra.’

‘Are ye sure that’s whit it’s called, doll?’ I asked.

‘I have a copy at home,’ she said.

‘Eh, that wis too much info,’ I said. ‘Anywie, whit shelf’s it oan?’

‘What shelf you want to loan?’ she said bemused.

‘Christ. Ferget it.’

Despondent, we were about to leave the library, when I caught sight of a geeky burd I knew from school. If there was anyone who knew her way around a library, it was Katrina.

‘Haw, Katrina, how’s it guan?’ I asked.

‘Hi Leon. I’m fine. How are you?’ she said looking a wee bit shy.

‘Can ye gies a haund tae find a book?’

‘Sure. What’s the name of it?’

‘The Kama Sutra.’

Her face lit up. ‘Sure, I know where it is, follow me.’

We all followed Katrina through the maze-like library, ‘til we got to the Adult Non-Fiction section. She flew her finger over a few books, and picked one out. ‘Here you go, enjoy.’

‘Cheers doll, yer a beauty,’ I said, grabbing the book and making a hasty getaway. ‘Catchyae!’

Me and the two lads found a wee quiet corner of the library and sat down.

‘Are ye ready, lads?’ I asked.

‘Aye, come oan, open it noo,’ said Garry.

‘The holy grail,’ exaggerated Michael.

What ensued ended up being a bigger anti-climax than experiencing the joys of a cigarette for the first time.

‘Whur’s the pictures?’ asked Garry.

‘Ah dunno,’ I said.

‘An’ why’s this Richard Fuckwit Burton tellin’ us tae get other boys tae suck us aff? Is he bent?’

‘Well, he only translated it, dint he?’ I said. ‘He’s only tellin’ us whit the Indians telt him.’

‘Disappointing,’ moaned Michael.

‘A pile ae shite!’ said Garry.

‘Might as well put it back, then.’

As I returned the Kama Sutra to its shelf, I noticed another book. Bigger in size, yet thinner in pages, it had a sticker on it saying it was ‘the Kama Sutra of the 90’s’. I picked it up and had a quick gander.

‘Holy shite, check oot the tits on her!’ Michael and Garry crowded around me. ‘She’s white tae, who wid’uv thoat.’

Seeing as none of us had a library card, we shoved it in Michael’s schoolbag and made a hasty escape from the library. We went to our usual haunt and pored over the pages of the sacred text. It would set us in good stead for the rest of our lives.

Kama Sutra: a doctrine of sexual practice, courtesy of Kama, the Hindu god of love and erotic desire. What a guy. A god you could truly worship.

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